Unpleasantly Pleasant
by BrilliantlyMadSparrow
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant: Charming, Sophisticated... Evil? Why, yes, very much so. And he is quite insulted when the Irish Sanctuary only sends a young woman named Tanith and a mere child called Valkryie to capture him. Insulted enough to kill them, perhaps?
1. Militant Murder

~*Chapter 1*~

**Militant Murder**

The killer murdered with military efficiency.

The Irish Sanctuary's only lead was that he was an Elemental. It was rare for an Elemental to stray so far down the path of "evil," but how delightful it was to be the evil Elemental. There was something oddly exhilarating about using nature itself to take someone's life. The murderer's personal favorite method was to create a vacuum of air around the person he intended to kill. If you caught them completely by surprise, even a sorcerer wouldn't have the good sense to try to escape – they'd be too worried about the fact that they couldn't breathe. And even if they did think of trying to get free, years of practice had taught the killer how to make the air quite solid.

Since sound waves need air to travel, the victim would be unable to scream for help, or make any noise at all. After a few moments deprived of any oxygen whatsoever, the body would fall down, quite dead. There was never any trace left behind as to who had committed such a crime – no blood, nor fingerprints.

After all, asphyxiation was not bloody in the slightest, and gloved fingers, especially when skeletal, have no fingerprints to leave.

Skulduggery Pleasant watched as the body of Alexander Deviant fell silently, thanks in no small part to a manipulated cushion of air, to the ground. According to the people who ordered his death, Alexander had been a rather important Sanctuary agent. With a little research, Skulduggery could have verified this, but, honestly, he didn't much care. He had been hired to kill a man and retrieve a document; he didn't see any reason to question his current clients.

He knelt down and looked through Alexander's pockets. His search yielded a bit of cash, a pocket watch (some sorcerers had such a difficult time letting go of the past), and a pocket knife with a little decorative scrollwork. Where was it? If he didn't get that paper, payment was completely out of the question.

Then, for no reason in particular, he opened the watch. A small scrap of yellowed parchment fell to the ground. If he'd had lips, Skulduggery would have smiled. He picked up the paper and looked at the partial diagram sketched upon it. He had no idea what the diagram was or, nor did he much care, so long as he was paid for its retrieval.

A scream of mortal terror echoed from an alley a few buildings over. Thinking ahead, Skulduggery stabbed the pocket knife into Alexander's chest, then yanked it out and closed the knife up before putting it back in his jacket pocket. He left the body leaning against a brick wall and, quickly putting on his sunglasses, scarf, and hat, went to investigate. It took a matter of seconds to get to the other alley, and he already knew who he would find there.

"Vaurien Scapegrace," he said, walking up behind the failing murderer and his terrified victim, "You are pathetic."

The man attempting, and failing, to kill someone, stiffened and turned slowly. His eyes widened when he saw Skulduggery. He lifted a shaking finger, pointing at the skeleton. "Y-y… It's… you." He fell to his knees, looking up adoringly, "You are my idol! You inspired me to turn murder into a messy form of art!" Indeed, Skulduggery had attained something of a mythical status among assassins, hit-men, and killers in general. Honestly, no one was even quite sure if he was real or not.

Skulduggery looked from Scapegrace to the man cowering on the ground. He removed his disguise, and the mortal's jaw dropped. "Y-you're a… a skeleton," he stated fearfully.

"I am indeed," Skulduggery replied in his most velvety smooth voice. There was something so delicious about the fear he could invoke just by allowing people to see him without his disguise. "And you," he said, lifting a hand in front of him, manipulating the air, "Will soon be one, too."

As the mortal's body fell, it was Scapegrace's turn to drop his jaw. "You… you just... You didn't even know who he was, and still… You just killed him."

After replacing his disguise, Skulduggery placed a hand on Scapegrace's shoulder and said, as though explaining it to a very small child, "Because that's what killers do - we kill. And you, Vaurien, are no killer."

"I… I am a killer. Killer supreme," Vaurien protested, "Or… Well, I will be." He sagged a little, perhaps finally realizing that he never would actually manage to successfully murder someone.

"And someone will have heard his earlier scream," Skulduggery said, gesturing to the dead body on the ground, "I believe I saw a few Sanctuary agents strolling around. You might want to watch out." He withdrew the pocketknife he had taken off Alexander Deviant's body and stabbed it into the dead man's chest. He pulled it out and placed it in Scapegrace's hand. "After all, it now appears you killed this fine gentleman."

Skulduggery felt a disturbance in the air – the Sanctuary agents would be in the alley in a matter of seconds. He pressed the watch from Deviant's body into Scapegrace's hand as well, saying, "A gift – to help you keep time during your imprisonment." Then he pushed at the air and propelled himself up to the rooftop.

Two Sanctuary agents came around the corner – from the direction they came from they had just discovered Alexander Deviant's body. So to them, it would appear that Scapegrace had murdered both Alexander and this nameless mortal. Scapegrace became the killer he so desperately wanted to be, the agents captured a murderer, and Skulduggery got off scot-free. Everyone was happy, even if only one person got what they actually wanted. Oh, well. You can't please everyone.

After watching a pair of handcuffs snap around Scapegrace's wrists, he simply walked away. As he came to the edge of the building, he made certain no one was looking, and that his disguise was properly in place, and then jumped, manipulating the air to slow his descent. Ah, magic was a beautiful thing.

Landing softly on the pavement, he readjusted his hat, straightened his tie, and walked off. He was going off to meet with the person who had hired him to do this job. After all, there was still the little matter of payment to attend to.


	2. Valkyrie Night

~*_Chapter 2_*~

**Valkyrie Night**

Gordon Edgley was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book _And The Darkness Rained Upon Them_, when he received a phone call from a person he had explicitly told not to (but secretly hoped would) contact him: China Sorrows.

He picked up the phone and answered with a weary, "Hello, China." He hoped it sounded sufficiently bored, and made it quite clear that he had much better things to be doing than talking.

"Gordon," the musical, beautiful voice of China Sorrows cascaded from the phone, "I heard you recently purchased an antique chest at an auction in Dublin."

If China was attempting to make conversation, it was the oddest small-talk Gordon had ever heard. Then again, China Sorrows didn't do small talk. There must have been an ulterior motive to her questioning. "That's right, but I don't see how it's of any interest to you."

"I also heard that, upon opening it, you discovered a hidden compartment with a few books inside. It is the books that interest me."

"How did you-" Gordon began, but thought better of asking how and where China got her information. He resolutely decided, "I'm not carting those books off to your library only to be charmed into giving them to you."

"In the case of these tomes, I shall make an exception from my usual business ventures and come to you," China said, "If those books are what I've been told they are, it's well-worth the trip. Expect me there in ten minutes."

"But-" Gordon didn't even have time to form a coherent response before China hung up the phone. He sighed (knowing that, if China wanted those books for her collection, nothing would be able to prevent this visit) and tried to write a bit more of his book before she arrived.

Precisely ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Gordon descended the stairs and opened the door for China. She strode elegantly into the house, as perfectly poised as ever.

Trying his best not to look directly at her, Gordon led China to the living room, where the three books found in the chest were sitting on the coffee table. China perched herself on the couch and proceeded to peruse them, seeming to scrutinize each ancient page.

A few minutes later, there was another knock at the door. Gordon got up from the chair he had been sitting in while waiting for China to finish her inspection of the books and walked back to the door. He peered out the peephole, confused. He hadn't been expecting any other visitors today, had he?

Upon looking out the peephole, Gordon discovered his sister-in-law, Melissa Edgley, and her small daughter, Stephanie, standing on his porch. So absorbed had he been in writing his book, and then this business with China, he had completely forgotten Melissa had called a little earlier to ask if he could babysit Stephanie for the afternoon.

"Gordon!" the little girl exclaimed when he opened the door.

"Stephanie!" Gordon responded, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Thanks for this, Gordon," Melissa said, ushering Stephanie into the door, "Desmond just called and said he needs my help."

"What could he possibly need help with?" Gordon asked, scooping up the young girl into his arms, "I thought he was showing the finished shopping center to those company people."

"He is. But he can't remember where it is."

"Couldn't you just tell him over the phone?"

"I did, but he said he wants me to help with the tour of the inside, just in case he forgets something else."

"Ah," Gordon nodded, "Knowing Desmond, that's a valid concern."

"Exactly," Melissa smiled, "Thanks again, Gordon. I really appreciate this." She kissed Stephanie on the nose. "Steph, you be good for Uncle Gordon, alright?"

"Okay, Mama," Stephanie promised.

Melissa smiled again, saying another "thanks" to Gordon, then walked back out to her car.

Shutting the door, Gordon's mind raced with all the options of what he could do now. He could send Stephanie to play in a different room, finish the business with China, and then send the collector on her way. But he didn't dare leave Stephanie on her own. It was surprising how much trouble she got herself into when left to her own devices.

He settled on just letting Stephanie meet China, then bribing her with a few sweets not to say anything unusual had happened during her visit once she got home. Yes, it was the perfect plan.

He failed, however, to factor into his "perfect plan" the fact that China's charms affected everyone – even four-year-old girls.

"You a pretty lady," Stephanie, who had wriggled out of Gordon's arms and plopped herself in front of China, said, gazing up at the woman.

China looked down at her with an eyebrow raised, then up at Gordon. "Who, Gordon, is this?"

"My niece," Gordon replied, scooping Stephanie up again, "I'd forgotten she was coming over for the afternoon."

"That presents a minor inconvenience," China said, subconsciously sliding the three books further away from the child, "As I was about to request that you take the time to come over to my library."

Now it was Gordon's turn to raise his eyebrow. "Why, exactly?"

"This book, of course," China said, gesturing to the middle tome.

"What is so important about that particular book?"

"These other two are the journals of inconsequential – and, from what I read, very talkative and annoying – sorcerer. But this one…" She paused, looking at the book lying on the table, "Is interesting to say the least. I wish to take it to my library to compare it to a book I recall having purchased a few weeks ago. Knowing you, I figured that you would object to me taking a book that doesn't belong to me for fear I would commit an act of petty thievery. Of course, that concern is quite valid."

Gordon pondered this for a moment. Normally, he enjoyed visiting China's library because research could be done both by reading a book about a subject and, if you were lucky, coming across and talking to a patron who knows a thing or two, or more, about said subject. But today, he had Stephanie with. There probably weren't enough sweets in the world to bribe her into not talking about a visit to a library visited by such… intriguing people as frequented China's.

Then again, if she did say anything, her parents would most likely assume they had merely been playing some game of pretend in Gordon's own library.

"I suppose I can," Gordon said, "But my niece has to come with."

"I will not have such a young child wandering about my precious books," China said, "She would most likely dribble on the covers, tear pages, and altogether make a mess of things."

"I'm a big girl," Stephanie protested angrily, "I won't dribble." She wiped a hand across her mouth just to make sure.

.:xXx:.

It seemed China really wanted that book, as she had eventually agreed to allow Stephanie to accompany Gordon to the library.

Once there, a deal was made, making China the proud owner of a complete set of 600-year-old books by the famed sorcerer Antonius Goldwin.

On their way out of the library, they were stopped by a young Englishwoman. "Excuse me," she said, "Are you… Are you _the_ Gordon Edgley? I'm a huge fan of your writing!" Then she and he got to talking and quickly struck up a friendship. He gave her a brief introduction to a new novel her was planning called _And the Darkness Rained Upon Them_, and she told him about a fight she'd once got into that he deemed perfect for a story.

The woman also gained Stephanie's admiration when the three went outside and, while she and Gordon climbed into his car, the young woman put on a helmet and swung her leg over a motorbike.

Though no-one knew it at that moment, something very important had happened that day. Somewhere between meeting China Sorrows and becoming friends with Tanith Low, the seeds which would grow into Valkyrie Night had been planted deep within Stephanie's soul.

* * *

><p><strong>The reason her name is Valkyrie <em>Night<em> is because without Skulduggery to introduce her to the phrase "raising Cain," she wouldn't have even considered _Cain_ as a possible name, now would she?**

**Reads and reviews are always appreciated. :o)**


	3. Skulduggery, How Pleasant

~*_Chapter 3_*~

"**Skulduggery, How Pleasant"**

The car that pulled up to the mountainside was absolutely gorgeous. It was the type of car any man (or woman, for that matter) would be proud to own. One would think the owner such a car would be equally as marvelous. The man who parked the beautiful Bentley behind the conveniently-place bushes met and exceeded all of those expectations.

He was tall and thin, with a square jaw and high cheekbones. His eyes were the gray-blue of stormy seas and his nose was chiseled perfection. Perhaps his only flaw was the peculiar artificiality about his face. He was _so_ perfect, he seemed more like a doll or action figure than a real person.

Besides his creepily good looks, Alaina, the guardswoman waiting just inside the entrance to her employer's headquarters, couldn't see anything special about this man. Why did they need _his_ help?

She watched on the small security camera display as the man stepped out of his car and walked up to the side of the mountain, stopping in front of the large boulder. Shaking his head in disbelief, a small chuckle escaped his lips.

A quick scan of all the security screens revealed no one else was present. She placed her hand against a cluster of symbols etched onto the boulder blocking the entrance. A series of unseen locks opened and the boulder slid away enough to allow a person to enter.

The smug little smirk that had appeared on his lips annoyed Alaina to no end. She hated when people put on airs of superiority.

"Does something amuse you, sir?"

"Yes, actually. How cliché this all is. A secret lair in the side of a mountain?" He chuckled again. "It's absolutely hilarious."

"Be honest, sir," Alaina asked, slightly annoyed, "If you hadn't be given explicit directions, would you have found it?"

The amusement fell from the man's face. He looked around at the forgettably-pristine landscape, and the movie-villain-cliché secret entrance, then back to Alaina.

"Touché." There was a slight hint of respect in his now otherwise emotionless voice.

"Enough chat. We are busy people here, Mr.…," she trailed off, expecting an answer. Even under direct orders, she wasn't entirely comfortable allowing nameless people into her employer's headquarters.

"Pleasant."

She raised a skeptical eyebrow. How many people had the last name "Pleasant"? She knew of only one, but he was just a myth, right? Mr. Pleasant, if that truly was his name, seemed unwilling to offer any more information.

"Follow me," she said, somewhat reluctantly leading him and closing the door behind them.

.:xXx:.

"Ah, Skulduggery, how pleasant to see you again."

"You've been waiting all day to share that little gem, haven't you?"

"But of course."

Skulduggery had been led into a room he had seen far too many times for his liking. It was a large, luxurious office, full of leather and dark-stained wood. The man who sat behind the desk was a large, luxurious man, full of arrogance and confidence. Most people feared him. Skulduggery did not.

Pushing his shirt collar slightly aside, Skulduggery pushed a tattoo on his collarbone. The waxy fake face pulled away, soon disappearing altogether. It was nice to feel air on his bones again.

"Why don't we cut to the chase?" Skulduggery prompted, "Who do you need killed?"

"Actually, I don't _need_ anyone killed, I just need something retrieved."

"I'm not your errand boy," came the curt reply, "If you have no need of my services-" Skulduggery stood from the too-leathery-to-be-comfortable chair.

"Now, don't be hasty. No one _needs_ to be killed. That doesn't mean there's not someone you _can_ kill, if you feel so inclined."

Skulduggery looked at the man, unimpressed. "What do you need 'retrieved'? Who can I kill? Tell me, and I'll decide if it's worth my while."

When the man told him, Skulduggery fell even more expressionless than usual.

"You are absolutely sure?"

"Completely certain."

When there was no further reaction, the man continued, "You love vengeance, don't you? Think of your wife – how beautiful. And your poor child-"

"It's a bit late for revenge. Nefarian Serpine is dead."

"Ah, but you've only killed one half of the duo responsible. I swear to you, she played just as important a role in their deaths. Without her, Nefarian wouldn't have been able to lay a hand on them."

That pun was even less amusing than the first. Skulduggery turned coldly away. "You'll get your books."

The man smiled. "Excellent. Oh, and do send Ms. Sorrows my regards."

But Skulduggery had already left the office, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

><p><em>AN:_ Hey, look! A new chapter! Took long enough, right? Anyways, I feel the need to answer a question posed recently about Valkyrie's name in this story. "Cain" is the only part of her name that Skulduggery inspired (with the phrase "raising Cain"), "Valkyrie" came about from one morning when she woke up to her dad playing Wagner's _Ride of the Valkyries_. Fun fact over. I'm currently working on Chapter 4. It should be up in a much more timely fashion. :)


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